Monday, May 31, 2010

A lot of men would be a bit shaken to find their wives intently pureeing bacon fat.  Mine offered to go buy white flour if I'd keep the whole grain out of his biscuits.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Chocolate Bacon Part One

Parenting boards are really just a place to unleash your inner bitch.  It's a constant game of one-ups-manship, the only place you can say, "That's an OK carseat if you don't care about safety," and still be welcome the next day.  When the conversation turned to bacon I knew no good would come of it.  I was right.   

The bacon chocolate bar.  What the hell? 

I tried to deny it's existence but if it's on the internet it has to be true.  So I did the only thing I could.  I made some chocolate covered bacon.  For now you'll have to wonder how it went.  I'm going to bed.

Edit 6/7/10: I finally wrote part two.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Strawberries vs Puffed Sugar

You can learn a lot about a girl's home life by how she eats when she's not at home.  Among the choices tonight at Girl Scouts were strawberries and mini-boxes of cereal, the sugar coated cardboard kind your parents let you eat on vacation.

One girl's eyes grew wide with shock.  Was I really going to let them eat Cinnamon Toast Crunch as a side dish?  Yeah, actually, I was.  At least they put vitamins in the ground and puffed fiber sheets before they shatter the bits and spray them with sugar.  The tortilla chips the girls used as ranch dip spoons were untroubled by healthy additives.  She had a few grapes and strawberries too but it was the cereal that held her attention.  She nibbled like a rabbit, one quick bite at a time, ready to drop the box and run if her mother burst in. 

Some of the other girls were focused on the strawberries.  Quickly, greedily, sloppily, they dove in.  How many can I take?  Can I get more?  They ate as many as they could and asked to take the rest home.  They left exactly one.  No one took the last one, that would be rude, but they took every other one.

The strawberry girls were completely puzzled by the cereal.  Why was it there?  How could cereal be party food?  They didn't touch it.  With strawberries in both hands they'd have had a hard time picking it up if they wanted to.  The cereal girl knew the joy of a good strawberry but she also knew an opportunity when she saw one.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

I have only mastered the fartsy portion of artsy fartsy. 

Friday, May 21, 2010


I'm not naturally a nice person.  If I didn't squeeze you out of my body or eat cake with you before I was old enough to know how to use a fork then I probably don't know when your birthday is.  If I do happen to have it written down I'm probably not going to send a card.  I just don't give a crap about birthdays.  I bother to celebrate them for the people I love because there's always a chance they do care but, seriously, your mom and her doctor deserve way more of the credit for your birthday than you do. 

I think there may have been a third day of puberty education when they taught sassy young girls how to become nice young women but I didn't go that day.  Day Two blew my mind.  How on earth do guys get a good night's sleep knowing they have a weapon that could go off at any moment?  It sounded like sleeping with a water balloon to me. Fascinating and terrifying but not nice.

Now that I'm older I'm working on niceness.  I don't want to be June Cleaver creepy nice, I just want to remember to use the word "Please" before "build a bridge and get over it."

Thursday, May 20, 2010

You named your band what?

One day, after I learn to play an instrument, I will form a band.  I will not name it "Blistered Nutsack."  Why?  Consider the likelihood of ever hearing any of the following phrases:

You know what really kicks a party up a notch?  Blistered Nutsack.

What's fun for the whole family?  Blistered Nutsack.

I want a Blistered Nutsack for Christmas!

At my house we have recently heard, "Can you come take a look at this (blistered nutsack)?"  It's not fun for the looker or the lookee.

** Edited  5/21/10 to add - My husband requested that I tell you his nutsack is looking good and feeling fine.  (That is what you wanted me to say, right hon?)

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Brilliant product #1

Who says Germans have no sense of humor?  It's an inflatable jetski.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Piping hot fun

Not infrequently while watching Iron Chef my husband will say, "Once the kids are a little bigger you should try doing some of this cool presentation stuff."  He's already content with the flavor but somehow he doesn't find a  puddle of it on a chipped plate visually appealing. You'd think after the meatcakes incident he'd never utter such insanity again but he did.  So I got out the mashed potatoes and gingered carrots and had a bit of fun. Be forewarned, I am not a master of the visual arts.  Hanging pictures is beyond my spacial and design skills.




It's eyes you perv.  Eyes.


Eyes and a nose.  It's a muppet.  Definitely not whatever it is you're thinking.  Some people are just so naughty.  Go stand in the corner and spank yourself.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Ripped veto

If you've crossed the line between toned and ripped you're spending too much time at the gym.  Why is it ripped anyway?  Ripped is not a good thing.  Ripped jeans are bad 80s.  Ripping a wave is surf goob. 

Lumpy is a more accurately descriptive term.  Can't you hear it in the bar?  "Oh yeah.  He's hot.  Totally lumpy."
Curious George's Man with the Yellow Hat reminds me of a guy I used to date.  I wonder if he'd have been a happier person if he'd spent more time on inter-species pseudo-familial relationships and less on Asian porn.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Have I become immortal or is this day dragging on forever?

Thursday, May 13, 2010


Setting:  The bathroom

Mama:  Do you need to potty, honey?
Child:  Not now.  I want to sayyay.
Mama (puzzled):  Uh, OK.  I'll go first.

Cue sound effect.

Child:  Yay, Mama.  You did it.  Yay!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

The office

Mr. Raisin and I are downsizing our life soon.  We've decided that a dramatic decrease in the amount of kevlar in our lives would lead to a similarly dramatic increase in our happiness.  I don't mean psychic kevlar; we aren't emotionally abusive or anything worthy of a Lifetime movie.  I mean I've been told, "It's unclear if I can tell you where I'm going but call USAA and tell them to enable my debit card for (redacted)."  I mean, "I can't tell you where I am but I can tell you our security guys are in a shit ton of trouble for not even noticing the film crew from Fox on that sand dune until they saw the building we're sitting in on TV."  I mean, "Remember when I said I'd be home Friday?  Well there's a one in seven chance I'll come home on a Friday but there's a zero  percent chance it will be this month." 

So, yeah, we're not doing that any more. 

In this economy his sparkly new civilian job will probably pay peanuts but peanuts are edible.  The question is how small our new home will be.  As the primary cleaner of our living space I'm pushing for pretty darn cozy.  Two adults and two kids could theoretically live with three bedrooms but Mr. Raisin needs an office.  He doesn't demand one but he does have a passionate love of crap.  Flea markets, thrift stores, dollar stores.  These are his other women.  Tiger Woods may have brought home crabs but my husband has brought home used taxidermy.  Twice.

Yeah, even if the kids have to share a room Mr. Raisin will definitely get an office.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

I love you Mr. Raisin

My husband is the best guy in the world.  I have the data to back that up.  I was 13 when I went on my first date.  I was 30 when I got married.  From this we can infer that I spent 17 years kissing frogs to find my prince.  Damn that's a lot of frogs. 

I love you Mr. Raisin and apologize in advance for the ribbing I'm giving you tomorrow.

Monday, May 10, 2010

I read And Tango Makes Three to Froggy.  So far she's neither gay nor a penguin.

And Tango Makes Three

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Songs of Germany #2: Summer Wine

You know how some songs dominate a summer?  This was it for Summer 2007.  We later found out it was part of Das wilde Leben, a movie about a groupie in the 60s.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Songs of Germany #1: Sexy Back

Oh, Justin Timberlake.  Oh, how you mocked me.  The year was 2006 and you were hot, hot, hot you little twat, twat, twat.  Do you know what an increasingly pregnant woman doesn't want to hear?  "I'm bringing sexy back" repeated 9 million times over three minutes, break for commercial and play it again. 

As I was driving the A6 back and forth from Schwetzingen to Mannheim and puking into my grocery sack you were bringing sexy back.  Months later my daughter kicked the hell out of my belly dancing along to your club mix.  You know what's not hot in the club?  A hugely pregnant woman. 

You slacker you still didn't have sexy back by the time I quit work in late June 2007 but you were still talking about it.  I couldn't type because my hands were too swollen.  A lack of air conditioning, an office downwind from the dump and fifty pregnancy pounds combined to make me leave a job I loved sooner that I would have liked.  I thought I was leaving you behind too but no, it was not to be.  My daughter adored you from the day she was born and occasionally I'd have to whip out the Timberlake to quiet the Froggy.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

My son the tranny

It's May and in the 40s.  That's sick and wrong but we still need groceries. I got Froggy bundled up and ready to go without problem but I could not find a coat for Bubba.  Not wanting to waste the goodwill of my kids I gut checked my feminism (yep, still there), grabbed one of the girl's coats and put it on the boy.  Oh the horror!  He's 10 months old and wearing a pink sweater with a maribou edge on the hood!  Clearly his penis will crawl back inside his body now and form a vagina.


More likely he'll sue me when he's older.  I expect a class action suit from his entire generation.  They've lived out their lives online, Truman Show style, without payment.  Constitutional privacy violation, career mismanagement of a child star, emotional harm.  Can't wait to see this one play out in court.

Ah well.  If I'd had the boy first I wouldn't have thought twice about putting his coat on her.  Tough luck, Bubba.  At least I never gave into his father's plan to dress him all in pink, take him to the mall and tell old ladies goo-gooing at him, "He's not a girl.  My baby is gay."


Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Ha ha!

I'm cruising my old FB posts to see what's worth back-filling over here. Turns out you two were right. I am kind of funny. The funniest thing I've read though I can't claim credit for.

"Everybody loves me, babies, dogs, ya know, hot girls, cougers. I just have unbelievable mass appeal." - The Situation

I am way too excited about Jersey Shore 2.

Jersey Shore UNCENSORED: Season One ( Exclusive)

Reactivation of the blog.

Rachel and Megan keep telling me I should blog. I do love spouting off and adoration so I guess I'll give this another go. Smart money is on this sucker being dead again before the end of May but I might stick with it. Far weirder things have happened. The meatcakes come to mind.

All but three posts before this one are back-filled. I wonder if you can spot the originals. Yeah. You can.

Monday, May 3, 2010

If your husband acted like your dog I'd have him arrested.

When is it OK to shove your nose into a strangers crotch and drool? When you're a dog. Feel like body slamming someone? Put on a fur coat. Have an abundance of drool but no napkin? Use a strangers' pants!

My uncle says he's going to start a retirement home for dogs. All they'll do all day is eat, poop, and sleep. I say he needs a couple of hookers too if he wants those dogs to be really happy.

I like some dogs but I probably don't like yours as much as you do.

All pollen is airborne sperm but not all airborne sperm is pollen.