Hey Skank,
Did you know black people are people? I shit you not. Maybe in your sincere, clean living, heartland way you call good people "folks". In that case make it black folks are folks. Whatever.
I know they don't have non-white people in your wealthy, middle of the country, fence around the neighborhood world but the shit you let people say is enough to back up a port a potty.
And then you got mad at me for pointing out that the racist was a dumb ass. I didn't call her a fuck-tard. No unwillingly mentally challenged people were forced into a group with her. She choose to talk a hot mess that would get her ass kicked on the playground and I gave her a grown up ladies' critique. Oh the pain. Bitch deserved a grade seven beat down. And so do you for letting a shit sprinkler spray unchecked.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Monday, August 2, 2010
Motherhood is a marathon
Motherhood is a marathon. When someone speaks of it with warm nostalgia, they're sharing a joy created since the particular event ended. Have you seen the faces of marathoners at mile five, when their feet already hurt but they know they're just getting started? Have you seen the delirium of mile fifteen? In the moment precious few of those people look thrilled to be there. After it's over they'll be proud of the accomplishment. The further they are from the day they did it the more fondly they remember the experience. The crazy man screaming obscenities at mile three transforms into singing bluebirds. They focus on the feeling of triumph at the top of Heart Attack Hill, not the pain of going up it.
Motherhood is the same way. No one loves changing the third leaky diaper of the day at the time they're doing it. When they're looking back they don't remember the horror of holding the baby all night because he was feverish and they were terrified of convulsions. They remember holding the baby, a precious life that is comforted beyond words by your mere presence. It's OK not to love the individual moments and it's best to refocus some of the key scenes.
Motherhood is the same way. No one loves changing the third leaky diaper of the day at the time they're doing it. When they're looking back they don't remember the horror of holding the baby all night because he was feverish and they were terrified of convulsions. They remember holding the baby, a precious life that is comforted beyond words by your mere presence. It's OK not to love the individual moments and it's best to refocus some of the key scenes.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Strange and terrible things I did to my husband
Chocolate bacon, snail bread, meatcakes. He's either crazy or he's got a great sense of humor. Probably both.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Detergent Throwdown follow-up
Background:
I've been Cloth Diapering for just under two years. I used to have two in fluff but now it's just my boy, age one as of yesterday. I have a top loader, normal (not hard or soft) water, and a mix of pockets, fitteds and covers, AIOs and AI2s. PUL, microfiber, hemp, bamboo, and cotton all have a place in my stash. I have previously used Tide, All FC military, and Dawn. Then I tried Rocking Green after hearing all the raves and my quest for a cheap, convenient, and effective CD detergent began. I love RG but mail order is not convenient. This test was to help me determine if it is the cheapest detergent that does all that it does.
What's special about cloth diaper laundry:
Most big brand detergents do not rinse out fully. That "fresh laundry smell" is actually leftover chemicals in your laundry. Over time that can build up and make your diapers leak.
Additionally, CDs need to be cleaned more thoroughly than, for example, a shirt. Biological waste can make you sick. It needs to be fully removed from anything pressed against your baby 24 hours a day. A half a dose of detergent in a load of laundry typically does effectively remove or kill bacteria from diapers. How to tell? Leave your wet diapers in the washer for 48 hours. The smell you get when you open the washer is bacteria by-product. They were still living in your diapers. Some count on the heat of the dryer to finish the sanitizing. I'd rather just have them good and dead. (BTW, that scent left in your laundry by most big label detergents is designed to mask any bacteria smells.)
And so began my test.
Crunchy Clean: Didn't. Using the amount recommended gave me an outhouse scented house as soon as the diapers warmed up in the dryer. Gag, hork, spew. That let me know there was still human waste residue in my diapers. An ineffective wash. I tried using more per load as recommended by others on the cloth diaper board and wound up with a lot of residue in my diapers. I didn't stick with it long enough to have to deal with build up leaks and I was lucky not to face rashes but there was a lot of it in the diapers. It worked better than nothing on the rest of the laundry (towels, jeans, etc.) by doubling the amount but I won't buy any more.
Sudzy Baby: I started cussing as soon as I opened it. You can see the shaved bar soap in it. This did not bode well for clean rinsing. I also knew I wouldn't be buying any more. If it worked it would show me that I could make my own detergent. It worked for regular clothes. For diapers it was a mess. I didn't feel like it was clean rinsing but they smelled clean enough coming out of the wash. Not "I want to take a big wiff of the freshness clean" but unsoiled. Then came the day I changed Bubba's diaper and was hit in the face with a burst of lavender. The only lavender in the house was in the Sudzy Baby. Clearly it was NOT rinsing out. He's also had a few rashes with it. Had I kept using it on the diapers I feel confident my satisfaction would have continued to decline. Instead I stripped and moved on to the next thing for the diapers. I do look forward to making my own detergent for the rest of our clothes though.
Rocking Green: It rinses clean. No build up, no smell, just nice soft fabric. Easily my favorite detergent for diapers. It also makes my husband's uniforms smell clean. They hold the funk in a way that Tide and All have never been able to cut even with Oxyclean or color safe bleach. Rocking Green also does a good enough job killing bacteria that if I forget a load in the wash for a day or even two it still smells OK when I get back to it.
I HATE that it requires monogamy. Rocking Green does not play well with other detergents. If you switch to something else then when you switch back to Rocking Green you are supposed to "Rock the Soak", soak your laundry in Rocking Green and hot water for an hour. This process allows Rocking Green to bond to the residue in your clothes and then rinse it out. If you don't Rock the Soak well then buyer beware. If it was a clean rinsing detergent you'll be fine. If not then you may be rocking the funk.
Hard Rock: I don't get it. It's supposed to be a souped up version of Rocking Green but I guess I don't have whatever the problem is that it solves. I told the maker of RG that I had regular water but she said I should try Hard Rock anyway. I tried. It didn't seem to make any difference. Since I don't have any complaints about RG I guess I wouldn't know what to look for in an improved version.
Tiny Bubbles: What a crock. 4 Tablespoons for a top loader?!? That's twice as much as recommended by any of the other CD detergents I tested. It better be cheap. Yeah, it's not. It's not particularly clean rinsing or super active either. It didn't even get all the washable fingerpaint out of a painting smock.
That's it for now. I have a few more things in the basement to test but I like to give it several tries on the CDs (I wash every two or three days) and a few loads of regular laundry before I post about it. To do that to a few detergents takes a month or more. More reviews once I have more data. :)
I've been Cloth Diapering for just under two years. I used to have two in fluff but now it's just my boy, age one as of yesterday. I have a top loader, normal (not hard or soft) water, and a mix of pockets, fitteds and covers, AIOs and AI2s. PUL, microfiber, hemp, bamboo, and cotton all have a place in my stash. I have previously used Tide, All FC military, and Dawn. Then I tried Rocking Green after hearing all the raves and my quest for a cheap, convenient, and effective CD detergent began. I love RG but mail order is not convenient. This test was to help me determine if it is the cheapest detergent that does all that it does.
What's special about cloth diaper laundry:
Most big brand detergents do not rinse out fully. That "fresh laundry smell" is actually leftover chemicals in your laundry. Over time that can build up and make your diapers leak.
Additionally, CDs need to be cleaned more thoroughly than, for example, a shirt. Biological waste can make you sick. It needs to be fully removed from anything pressed against your baby 24 hours a day. A half a dose of detergent in a load of laundry typically does effectively remove or kill bacteria from diapers. How to tell? Leave your wet diapers in the washer for 48 hours. The smell you get when you open the washer is bacteria by-product. They were still living in your diapers. Some count on the heat of the dryer to finish the sanitizing. I'd rather just have them good and dead. (BTW, that scent left in your laundry by most big label detergents is designed to mask any bacteria smells.)
And so began my test.
Crunchy Clean: Didn't. Using the amount recommended gave me an outhouse scented house as soon as the diapers warmed up in the dryer. Gag, hork, spew. That let me know there was still human waste residue in my diapers. An ineffective wash. I tried using more per load as recommended by others on the cloth diaper board and wound up with a lot of residue in my diapers. I didn't stick with it long enough to have to deal with build up leaks and I was lucky not to face rashes but there was a lot of it in the diapers. It worked better than nothing on the rest of the laundry (towels, jeans, etc.) by doubling the amount but I won't buy any more.
Sudzy Baby: I started cussing as soon as I opened it. You can see the shaved bar soap in it. This did not bode well for clean rinsing. I also knew I wouldn't be buying any more. If it worked it would show me that I could make my own detergent. It worked for regular clothes. For diapers it was a mess. I didn't feel like it was clean rinsing but they smelled clean enough coming out of the wash. Not "I want to take a big wiff of the freshness clean" but unsoiled. Then came the day I changed Bubba's diaper and was hit in the face with a burst of lavender. The only lavender in the house was in the Sudzy Baby. Clearly it was NOT rinsing out. He's also had a few rashes with it. Had I kept using it on the diapers I feel confident my satisfaction would have continued to decline. Instead I stripped and moved on to the next thing for the diapers. I do look forward to making my own detergent for the rest of our clothes though.
Rocking Green: It rinses clean. No build up, no smell, just nice soft fabric. Easily my favorite detergent for diapers. It also makes my husband's uniforms smell clean. They hold the funk in a way that Tide and All have never been able to cut even with Oxyclean or color safe bleach. Rocking Green also does a good enough job killing bacteria that if I forget a load in the wash for a day or even two it still smells OK when I get back to it.
I HATE that it requires monogamy. Rocking Green does not play well with other detergents. If you switch to something else then when you switch back to Rocking Green you are supposed to "Rock the Soak", soak your laundry in Rocking Green and hot water for an hour. This process allows Rocking Green to bond to the residue in your clothes and then rinse it out. If you don't Rock the Soak well then buyer beware. If it was a clean rinsing detergent you'll be fine. If not then you may be rocking the funk.
Hard Rock: I don't get it. It's supposed to be a souped up version of Rocking Green but I guess I don't have whatever the problem is that it solves. I told the maker of RG that I had regular water but she said I should try Hard Rock anyway. I tried. It didn't seem to make any difference. Since I don't have any complaints about RG I guess I wouldn't know what to look for in an improved version.
Tiny Bubbles: What a crock. 4 Tablespoons for a top loader?!? That's twice as much as recommended by any of the other CD detergents I tested. It better be cheap. Yeah, it's not. It's not particularly clean rinsing or super active either. It didn't even get all the washable fingerpaint out of a painting smock.
That's it for now. I have a few more things in the basement to test but I like to give it several tries on the CDs (I wash every two or three days) and a few loads of regular laundry before I post about it. To do that to a few detergents takes a month or more. More reviews once I have more data. :)
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Monday, June 7, 2010
Chocolate Bacon Part Two
I already covered how such a thing would occur to me here. Now on to the process because I know you are absolutely dying to make some yourself. Actually you probably want to know how it tasted and how my unsuspecting husband responded but I've got photos to use so you're going to have to scroll a minute.
Cook it as flat as possible. I used a bacon press. Flatness will cook off the fat for a longer shelf life and make it easier to candy coat.
Drain and blot. Greasy bacon has it's place but under chocolate isn't it.
Melt some candy coating
according to package directions
Roll the bacon in the melted chocolate one piece at a time. Place it on waxed paper to dry. Note the care and attention to detail I used. Master craftsman I am not but it's still chocolate and bacon.
So, how'd it taste? When I fed it to the hubby I didn't tell him what it was. He couldn't identify the bacon on his own. He thought it was some sort of exotic nut. The crunch was obvious but it was not excessively pork-like. Once you know what it is it tastes like chocolate and bacon. Sorry I can't be more descriptive but that really does cover it. Both good. Both still good together. Not great enough to make again. It's a major calorie bomb and for that kind of diet damage it needs to be at least as good as Ben and Jerry's. Do they have a bacon flavor yet?
Hack bacon into bite size pieces and cook it. When defining "bite size" remember bacon shrinks considerably when cooked. I used kitchen shears to cut four slices at a time and then peeled them apart to cook.
Cook it as flat as possible. I used a bacon press. Flatness will cook off the fat for a longer shelf life and make it easier to candy coat.
Drain and blot. Greasy bacon has it's place but under chocolate isn't it.
Melt some candy coating
according to package directions
Roll the bacon in the melted chocolate one piece at a time. Place it on waxed paper to dry. Note the care and attention to detail I used. Master craftsman I am not but it's still chocolate and bacon.
So, how'd it taste? When I fed it to the hubby I didn't tell him what it was. He couldn't identify the bacon on his own. He thought it was some sort of exotic nut. The crunch was obvious but it was not excessively pork-like. Once you know what it is it tastes like chocolate and bacon. Sorry I can't be more descriptive but that really does cover it. Both good. Both still good together. Not great enough to make again. It's a major calorie bomb and for that kind of diet damage it needs to be at least as good as Ben and Jerry's. Do they have a bacon flavor yet?
Monday, May 31, 2010
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Chocolate Bacon Part One
Parenting boards are really just a place to unleash your inner bitch. It's a constant game of one-ups-manship, the only place you can say, "That's an OK carseat if you don't care about safety," and still be welcome the next day. When the conversation turned to bacon I knew no good would come of it. I was right.
The bacon chocolate bar. What the hell?
I tried to deny it's existence but if it's on the internet it has to be true. So I did the only thing I could. I made some chocolate covered bacon. For now you'll have to wonder how it went. I'm going to bed.
Edit 6/7/10: I finally wrote part two.
The bacon chocolate bar. What the hell?
I tried to deny it's existence but if it's on the internet it has to be true. So I did the only thing I could. I made some chocolate covered bacon. For now you'll have to wonder how it went. I'm going to bed.
Edit 6/7/10: I finally wrote part two.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Strawberries vs Puffed Sugar
You can learn a lot about a girl's home life by how she eats when she's not at home. Among the choices tonight at Girl Scouts were strawberries and mini-boxes of cereal, the sugar coated cardboard kind your parents let you eat on vacation.
One girl's eyes grew wide with shock. Was I really going to let them eat Cinnamon Toast Crunch as a side dish? Yeah, actually, I was. At least they put vitamins in the ground and puffed fiber sheets before they shatter the bits and spray them with sugar. The tortilla chips the girls used as ranch dip spoons were untroubled by healthy additives. She had a few grapes and strawberries too but it was the cereal that held her attention. She nibbled like a rabbit, one quick bite at a time, ready to drop the box and run if her mother burst in.
Some of the other girls were focused on the strawberries. Quickly, greedily, sloppily, they dove in. How many can I take? Can I get more? They ate as many as they could and asked to take the rest home. They left exactly one. No one took the last one, that would be rude, but they took every other one.
The strawberry girls were completely puzzled by the cereal. Why was it there? How could cereal be party food? They didn't touch it. With strawberries in both hands they'd have had a hard time picking it up if they wanted to. The cereal girl knew the joy of a good strawberry but she also knew an opportunity when she saw one.
One girl's eyes grew wide with shock. Was I really going to let them eat Cinnamon Toast Crunch as a side dish? Yeah, actually, I was. At least they put vitamins in the ground and puffed fiber sheets before they shatter the bits and spray them with sugar. The tortilla chips the girls used as ranch dip spoons were untroubled by healthy additives. She had a few grapes and strawberries too but it was the cereal that held her attention. She nibbled like a rabbit, one quick bite at a time, ready to drop the box and run if her mother burst in.
Some of the other girls were focused on the strawberries. Quickly, greedily, sloppily, they dove in. How many can I take? Can I get more? They ate as many as they could and asked to take the rest home. They left exactly one. No one took the last one, that would be rude, but they took every other one.
The strawberry girls were completely puzzled by the cereal. Why was it there? How could cereal be party food? They didn't touch it. With strawberries in both hands they'd have had a hard time picking it up if they wanted to. The cereal girl knew the joy of a good strawberry but she also knew an opportunity when she saw one.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Friday, May 21, 2010
Nice
I'm not naturally a nice person. If I didn't squeeze you out of my body or eat cake with you before I was old enough to know how to use a fork then I probably don't know when your birthday is. If I do happen to have it written down I'm probably not going to send a card. I just don't give a crap about birthdays. I bother to celebrate them for the people I love because there's always a chance they do care but, seriously, your mom and her doctor deserve way more of the credit for your birthday than you do.
I think there may have been a third day of puberty education when they taught sassy young girls how to become nice young women but I didn't go that day. Day Two blew my mind. How on earth do guys get a good night's sleep knowing they have a weapon that could go off at any moment? It sounded like sleeping with a water balloon to me. Fascinating and terrifying but not nice.
Now that I'm older I'm working on niceness. I don't want to be June Cleaver creepy nice, I just want to remember to use the word "Please" before "build a bridge and get over it."
I think there may have been a third day of puberty education when they taught sassy young girls how to become nice young women but I didn't go that day. Day Two blew my mind. How on earth do guys get a good night's sleep knowing they have a weapon that could go off at any moment? It sounded like sleeping with a water balloon to me. Fascinating and terrifying but not nice.
Now that I'm older I'm working on niceness. I don't want to be June Cleaver creepy nice, I just want to remember to use the word "Please" before "build a bridge and get over it."
Thursday, May 20, 2010
You named your band what?
One day, after I learn to play an instrument, I will form a band. I will not name it "Blistered Nutsack." Why? Consider the likelihood of ever hearing any of the following phrases:
You know what really kicks a party up a notch? Blistered Nutsack.
What's fun for the whole family? Blistered Nutsack.
I want a Blistered Nutsack for Christmas!
At my house we have recently heard, "Can you come take a look at this (blistered nutsack)?" It's not fun for the looker or the lookee.
** Edited 5/21/10 to add - My husband requested that I tell you his nutsack is looking good and feeling fine. (That is what you wanted me to say, right hon?)
You know what really kicks a party up a notch? Blistered Nutsack.
What's fun for the whole family? Blistered Nutsack.
I want a Blistered Nutsack for Christmas!
At my house we have recently heard, "Can you come take a look at this (blistered nutsack)?" It's not fun for the looker or the lookee.
** Edited 5/21/10 to add - My husband requested that I tell you his nutsack is looking good and feeling fine. (That is what you wanted me to say, right hon?)
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Piping hot fun
Not infrequently while watching Iron Chef my husband will say, "Once the kids are a little bigger you should try doing some of this cool presentation stuff." He's already content with the flavor but somehow he doesn't find a puddle of it on a chipped plate visually appealing. You'd think after the meatcakes incident he'd never utter such insanity again but he did. So I got out the mashed potatoes and gingered carrots and had a bit of fun. Be forewarned, I am not a master of the visual arts. Hanging pictures is beyond my spacial and design skills.
It's eyes you perv. Eyes.
Eyes and a nose. It's a muppet. Definitely not whatever it is you're thinking. Some people are just so naughty. Go stand in the corner and spank yourself.
It's eyes you perv. Eyes.
Eyes and a nose. It's a muppet. Definitely not whatever it is you're thinking. Some people are just so naughty. Go stand in the corner and spank yourself.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Ripped veto
If you've crossed the line between toned and ripped you're spending too much time at the gym. Why is it ripped anyway? Ripped is not a good thing. Ripped jeans are bad 80s. Ripping a wave is surf goob.
Lumpy is a more accurately descriptive term. Can't you hear it in the bar? "Oh yeah. He's hot. Totally lumpy."
Lumpy is a more accurately descriptive term. Can't you hear it in the bar? "Oh yeah. He's hot. Totally lumpy."
Friday, May 14, 2010
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Sayyay
Setting: The bathroom
Mama: Do you need to potty, honey?
Child: Not now. I want to sayyay.
Mama (puzzled): Uh, OK. I'll go first.
Cue sound effect.
Child: Yay, Mama. You did it. Yay!
Mama: Do you need to potty, honey?
Child: Not now. I want to sayyay.
Mama (puzzled): Uh, OK. I'll go first.
Cue sound effect.
Child: Yay, Mama. You did it. Yay!
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
The office
Mr. Raisin and I are downsizing our life soon. We've decided that a dramatic decrease in the amount of kevlar in our lives would lead to a similarly dramatic increase in our happiness. I don't mean psychic kevlar; we aren't emotionally abusive or anything worthy of a Lifetime movie. I mean I've been told, "It's unclear if I can tell you where I'm going but call USAA and tell them to enable my debit card for (redacted)." I mean, "I can't tell you where I am but I can tell you our security guys are in a shit ton of trouble for not even noticing the film crew from Fox on that sand dune until they saw the building we're sitting in on TV." I mean, "Remember when I said I'd be home Friday? Well there's a one in seven chance I'll come home on a Friday but there's a zero percent chance it will be this month."
So, yeah, we're not doing that any more.
In this economy his sparkly new civilian job will probably pay peanuts but peanuts are edible. The question is how small our new home will be. As the primary cleaner of our living space I'm pushing for pretty darn cozy. Two adults and two kids could theoretically live with three bedrooms but Mr. Raisin needs an office. He doesn't demand one but he does have a passionate love of crap. Flea markets, thrift stores, dollar stores. These are his other women. Tiger Woods may have brought home crabs but my husband has brought home used taxidermy. Twice.
Yeah, even if the kids have to share a room Mr. Raisin will definitely get an office.
So, yeah, we're not doing that any more.
In this economy his sparkly new civilian job will probably pay peanuts but peanuts are edible. The question is how small our new home will be. As the primary cleaner of our living space I'm pushing for pretty darn cozy. Two adults and two kids could theoretically live with three bedrooms but Mr. Raisin needs an office. He doesn't demand one but he does have a passionate love of crap. Flea markets, thrift stores, dollar stores. These are his other women. Tiger Woods may have brought home crabs but my husband has brought home used taxidermy. Twice.
Yeah, even if the kids have to share a room Mr. Raisin will definitely get an office.
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